You're Still The One

So the past few days have been kind of a blur to me. I have been doing some much needed thinking, crying and trying to heal. I'm not healing one bit and that is totally my problem. I have tried twice now to rush into a relationship with two great guys. The first time I royally screwed things up with an amazing friend of mine. The second I stopped it before it went any further and did screw things up for good. I'm just not ready to even begin to think about being with any other man.

Quite frankly I'm not even sure if I want to be "over" Jamie. I loved him with every beat of my heart and I've come to realize after talking with Brea last night that I'm still madly in love with that man. He and I both have done a lot of hurtful things to one another, but for some reason I can't seem to get it out of my head that he's supposed to be my forever. I fucked up big time and I know I could never take it back. I miss him so much though.

I thought that I was done with him after all of the things that he's done and put me through, and vice versa. It's totally not okay and not done. James M is my world whether I want to admit it or not. I'm admitting it thought. Loud and clear right here. I love him and I feel like a fool for messing shit up. I wish that I could tell him all of this and him truly see how much he means to me. He would just think it was a bunch of bullshit though. Ugh I am at a cross point and I'm so confused as to what to do. How do you move on from someone you are totally 100% in love with still?

So many nights I've spent crying myself to sleep, because I know that he's happier without me there. It hurts the hear him say how content he is with another woman or how happy he is without me by his side. I devoted my everything to him and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I guess I'm just going to have to learn to find something that doesn't remind me of him always. Such as the song up there. This is OUR song. It makes me cry everytime I hear it now too. Thanks for listening to me. I really needed to get that out....until next time.